I can’t even believe I’m on here right now. It’s 11:56pm right now and I had a mental breakdown. I’m on the phone with Marcus and Rochelle just conversating about life. I took hella cbd, Marcus’ is rolling, and Rochelle is crying. LOL. Im losing my job, I just applied to a customer service job in North Carolina. I just don’t know how to feel. My life is In shambles. I’m rambling.
I can’t help but still think that there are secrets floating around this space. I try to be as transparent as possible but I know there’s something still going on. I’m planning a whole surprise party for this dude and I still see things that irk me. Until this point. Maybe I’m reaching, but if you see your ex and get anxious, there’s still some possibility that it affects you. So thanks for telling me it doesn’t, because there goes another lie. I’m tired.
I’m laying here, in the abyss of what deemed to be a “strangers” room in the beginning of July. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around the whole thing really, people would call it “playing safe” if anything. Millennial would call this arrangement “dating” but I choose not to call it anything that will please another persons desires.
Throughout this year, I have gone through hell and back with relationships. The past four years, if I’m being entirely honest with myself. I find myself learning lessons from all of these guys that I never would have seen myself having a legitimate future with. All besides one, that is.
My sweet, sweet Honey.
Until it wasn’t so sweet anymore.
That whole array of emotions I experienced with that certain male was a book in its entirety. Something people would see on an Original Netflix Film. Two people meet at a club, fall into the scheme of modern digital love, and end due to a lack of wanting to commit. Until this day I catch myself pondering of what could’ve been or what could be (because of the fact that we’re still acquainted.) but the feelings are slowly escaping my soul.
Like I said, Im laying in someone’s room as of this moment. That someone whom I am strongly fond of, who’s family is so kind and welcoming, that I feel like I’m caged in. And I don’t know what to fucking do about it.
Because one moment we’re having sex, the next moment I’m completely out of it and want to just escape this whole thing. Close the tab on the website I’m exploring.
But I guess I’ll let the dice roll a little longer.
xoxo,
ila
“You have to be willing to let me go.”
“Its not that there’s no hope for us, there is. Just not in the near future.”
I have thought long and hard about these words for the past week. I’m in awe, really, because when I heard it the first time, it didn’t really click in my head. But after finally typing the sentences out, it finally hit me and in all honesty, I’m a little sick to my stomach. Now, I am Godly woman. I have always believed that my will is directed by the Father. Whoever the higher power is. But aside from that, every time I was put into an unfortunate circumstance, I always look to God for some clarification. I’ve had my fair share in unsuccessful relationships within the past five years. I’ve always been hurt by boys who never knew what/who they really wanted. I blamed wrong timing, I blamed myself.. But in this recent relationship, I was always lost. I never felt like I was never enough for the guy. I dealt with insecurity, broken trust, and just a lack of commitment. But why do I blame all these things? Why do I keep dwelling on why things wont work out the way I want to? When in reality, perhaps it just isn’t what I need. I don’t need to keep being in this ugly state of mind of feeling unworthy. I don’t have to keep wishing that there’s hope in something that never existed. I can’t just keep loving someone who probably doesn’t even think about me throughout the day. I mean, hey, he can go days without even bothering to check up on me. Let alone, a simple Hi. But all these excuses come to play like “I’m busy. I need to find myself. I suck at texting. I don’t have time.” And look, I can go on and on about how we do only the things we want to do, because well, out of everything I can be doing right now, I’m on my laptop typing up this shit that no one will read but my future self. I choose to do this.
I choose to distance myself because I have chosen that I do not deserve half ass effort, half ass love, and full ass excuses. I deserve honesty and the ugly truth. I deserve at least a simple hello. A sign of desire. But life’s shitty, my friends, and we never get what we want.
We only get what we need.
In due time.
On God’s time.
I’m tired. Goodnight.
It’s a crazy feeling being physically unwanted.
Where is my life going?
Liars are the worst people in the world
If there’s one thing that can hurt me it’s by lying
Karmas a bitch and the truth always prevails
Brandon reminded me this morning that once we stop writing about someone, that’s when we know it’s nonexistent in our minds. That it no longer affects us.
